Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

I recently read this book from John Gray. Apart from being spot on regarding the psyche behind the marital problems, it is such a fascinating read. I totally enjoyed reading it. Here is a brief of the key takeaways from the book.

Men like to be needed (appreciated). Women like being cherished.

 - if man doesn’t feel needed he becomes passive and has less to give in the relationship 

Men want to solve problems. Women want to talk about problems. They don’t want solutions. 

When a man is in love, he starts feeling her fulfilment as his own. He works harder to make her happy. Her happiness makes him happy. Most men are not only hungry to give love, but they are starving. 

When he fails in the relationship he gets depressed and stick in his cage. He stops caring And doesn’t know why he is so depressed. He asks himself , ”what is this all for ? Why should I even bother. ” By finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man. 

SHE: When a woman is upset she wants to be loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding validation and compassion go a Long way. He leaves her alone when she is upset out of respect. 

Her fear of not being supported she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that he is not trusted to fulfil her needs , then he feels immediately rejected and turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness. Men are motivate by being needed but are turned off by this neediness. Women mistakenly believes that having needs turned him off. But actually, her hopelessness desperation and mistrust

Needing: openly reaching out and asking for support in a trusting manner, assuming he will do his best. This empowers him. Neediness is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it. 

- It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. 

- women: while needing others is confusing, being abandoned and getting disappointed is especially painful. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored hurts more because it reaffirms her incorrect belief that she’s unworthy. 

Man starts giving less in fear of rejection. He gives lesser to people he loves most due to a higher fear. When a man is silent the woman is very apprehensive because the only time she would be silent is when she would have something very hurtful to say to a person or because she doesn’t want to talk to someone because she doesn’t trust him anymore and wants to have nothing to do with him. 

Criticism or advice to a man: no matter how the woman tells he gets angry. She should not offer either unless he asks. She needs to give her loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. It takes a lot of security before he asks for advice. 

Man goes into his shell. Doesn’t want to talk. He needs some time to think. He will get back when he’s ready. But woman hears this as, “I can’t stand you. I don’t want to talk to you. I am leaving and I’m never coming back.” He can say,”I’ll be back “

Woman complaints in this example: she is not blaming him. 

- We don’t have any time for ourselves any more. She is not blaming you. She is only looking for some reassurance. Say,”I know how you are feeling. Let’s see how we can work on it “

- man doesn’t have to offer advice or solutions. Just listen. 

- by appreciating him the woman can help him know that by just listening he is also helping. Otherwise men feel frustrated. They feel they are not helping and Aldo that they are being blamed. 

- woman doesn’t have to suppress her feelings. But she has to learn to express in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked, accused or blamed. 

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

It works only if she is not actually blaming him. If she is blaming him then she should share her feelings with someone else. 

Pull away - men’s elasticity 

 Men’s love is periodic. They love them pull away then come back. Even when a man loves a woman periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. It’s not a decision or a choice. It just happens naturally. 

- women don’t understand this. She pulls away when  she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings. When she is hurt or is afraid of being hurt again. Or when he’s done something wrong and disappointed her. A man may also pull away for the same reasons. But he may also do so for his needs of independence or autonomy. Even when she has done nothing wrong. When he’s fulfilled that need, suddenly he’ll feel the need for intimacy again. He’ll be automatically motivated to come back, to share his love and get the love he needs. 

By trying to pull the man when he’s pulling away the woman intercepts the cycle and prevents the man from coming back. He’s not let to go the full distance. When a man has gone the full distance he returns with the full power and spring. Women may not understand this sudden desire for intimacy and push him away 

WAVE - women’s self esteem 

A woman’s self esteem rises and falls like a wave. When it hits bottom, it’s time for emotional house cleaning. A woman’s ability to give and receive love is a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. when she is not feeling good about herself she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. During downtime she is  overwhelmed and 

emotionally reactive. She is more vulnerable and needs more love. She has lots of feelings in this stage and she is unclear about herself. Her reaction and outburst at this time may make him feel like he is responsible and she is blaming him. 

Every now and then the woman feels she is doing so much for the family but not getting anything in return. 

You cannot prevent the woman from hitting her bottom. The last thing she wants to hear when she is going down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be there when she’s down, to listen to her as she’s down and to empathise what she’s going through. She may actually get worse when you listen and  offer your support. That may actually be a sign that she is going to her bottom sooner and then she will feel better. Then she will come back. 

At this time men feel that whatever bothered her is now fixed. That may not be true. When she sinks in her well again similar issues will come up. And the man becomes impatient. He finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings. 

When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues surface. They may be from her relationship with the man or often they are from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever is not healed or resolved from her past will come up. When she feels more and more supported in these difficult times she starts to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in  her relationship or struggle in her life 

Different primary emotional needs 

They give what they want. In the end they both get dissatisfied. Men and women have 6 primary needs, which are equally important 

Men: Trust, acceptance, Appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement 

Women: understanding, caring, respect, devotion, validation, reassurance 

Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and women can’t realise how much they may be hurting their partners or depriving them of what they deserve. 

Women don’t realise how they communicate is so hurtful to the male ego. 

Mistakes women make: 

- try to improve his behaviour or help him with unsolicited advice. He doesn’t feel loved because she doesn’t trust him. 

- she doesn’t acknowledge what he has done for her but complains about what he hasn’t done. He feels taken for granted and unappreciated for what he does. 

- she corrects his behaviour and tells her what to do as if he’s a child. He doesn’t feel loved because he doesn’t feel admired 

Mistakes men make: 

- he minimises the importance for her feelings and needs. he makes children and works more important. she feels unloved because he’s not devoted to her and doesn’t honor her as special 

- hé listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. She feels unloved 

- after listening he just walks away. She feels insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she needs. 

Don’t argue - express but don’t argue. 

If a man upsets a woman he tries to explain his reasons. He should NOT. The woman wants him to first listen to her reasons for being upset. Man should put his explanations on hold and listen to her, understanding her point of view. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported. 

Women need to feel cared for..Men want to feel trusted. 

Man gets late for date. Woman asks stupid rhetorical questions- why did you get late? Why didn’t you call? Man feels attacked and becomes defensive. 

She had no idea how painful her disapproval is for the man. 

Man needs approval - most men are ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don’t care. They may get cold distant and defensive if they don’t get approval. 

Writing letters 

You can express better and less harsh. It also reduces the intensity of the anger. 

5 sections: sad afraid anger regret love 

response letter (write what response you expect from your partner)

Sometimes writing the response letter is even more powerful than writing your own letter. 

Express: Women doesn’t want to tell what she expects - “He should know if he loves me”

Remember men are from Mars. 

How do I know if he means it or just faking it. If a man doesn’t love he won’t bother to repeat. He is trying to learn something new so he may sound awkward. 

If you don’t get enough support may be you don’t ask enough or you are not asking properly. If a woman doesn’t get enough support she believes he doesn’t have anything to give. She keeps giving assuming sooner or later he will catch up. He assumes that he is giving enough because she continues to give to him. By the time she asks she has so much resentment that her request is actually a demand. Men do not respond well to demand and resentment. Even if he is willing to give support her resentment and demand will lead him to say NO. Demands are a total turn off. 

Be aware of the little things he already does. Start by asking him for things that he already does for her. Give him a lot of appreciation for these things. Don't expect him to offer his support. Don't ask for more than he is used to giving. Allow him to get used to hearing you ask for things in a non demanding tone. Just like a woman doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons about why he should fulfil her requests. Simple be direct. An indirect request upsets a man. Be aware when you dont ask for support, be aware of how you ask when you do, remember to be brief and direct and give appreciation. don't let him feel taken for granted. 

When a man gets used to the woman asking for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in her presence. He feels he doesn't have to change for her love. At this point start asking for more. Let him realise that he can say No and still receive your love. When he feels he can say No when you ask for more, will make him free to say Yes, or NO. Men are much more willing to say YES if they have the freedom to say NO. When you can graciously accept a NO, you are ready to assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for something and when he says NO or resists your request, you don't say OK. You make it OK that he resists, but continue waiting for him to say Yes. Assertive asking is to remain silent after you've asked. Expect him to moan and groan. It meant he is asking to consider your request vs his needs. Any request for More makes a man think that he is not accepted just the way he is. By learning to ask the Martian way, you not only make him feel more loved, but also ensure that you get the love you need and deserve.

Paradox - when things are going well, we might feel going away or reacting in an unloving way. When a partner is loving you, you feel resentful for all the times when he has been unsupportive. Whenever we are loved more, repressed feelings come up. If we deal with them we can feel much better. ?But if we blame our partner, we get upset and suppress the feelings again. For years we have suppressed our painful feelings. Love makes us feel safe enough to get aware of those feelings. Love opens us up and we start feeling our pain. Whe a man's past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He tends to be overly sensitive and needs a lot of love and space. When a womens past comes up, her self esteem crashes. She descents into a well of feelings and needs a lot of tender loving care. This insight helps you control the feelings when they come up. Helps you understand whey your partner reacts the way they do. Deep feelings like shame and fear need to be dealt with. We get depressed, anxious, exhausted for no apparent reason. When deep feelings come up, we project them on to our partner. Because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest feelings have a chance to surface. But you get afraid and ashamed to share how you feel. the feelings get stuck.